Hey there, Sexies! I know, I know, the idea packing for a one night stand might be a misnomer, because a one night stand in general basically means no planning! There’s no time to plan for love, or that guy that looks a little ominously too good at bar close, mostly because you just really don’t want to have to go home to your roommate, her humidifier, and her five cats.
Fuck that bitch! Fuck this guy instead!
Here’s a list of things to always have in your purse in case the lusty flavor of man (or woman) seduces you some alcohol/drug fueled/just plain horny night.
No doubt the best thing you can have! Double fist your sexual agency ladies! And if you forget make sure you know where the closest bodega selling Plan B is. Don’t worry, everyone makes mistakes. I bet when you look around What’s His Name’s (no seriously what’s his name?) apartment and see the takeout boxes everywhere, the microscopic hairs from his last shave clinging to the rim of his bathroom sink, and that picture of him with his girlfriend, you’ll start feeling like forgetting the condom was the least of your mistakes from last night.
Dude. As I have gotten older I have noticed that without prompting, my breath has turned rotten in the mornings, like I just spent an evening eating ass. And hey, maybe last night you did. I’m not here to judge, only to say get it. But regardless of your mouth activities the night before, in the morning it needs to be remedied.
My mom gave me this awesome Colgate mini toothbrush/mini toothpaste set:
(the toothpaste which I promptly lost). I can’t seem to find it online, but they do have these disposable Colgate Wisp things that seem to do well in the clutch.
This is for those rare nights of passion. You know the ones. Where you meet a cute guy early in the night, and your sexual compatibility is growing... drink, after drink, after drink, after drink... You don’t even wait till bar close before you head over to his place, and shit gets wild. Like bodice ripping, shaking your hair out of that office bun, and full on, you maybe had an orgasm style fucking. You fall asleep blissed out. With this kind of connection this could be your future husband...
Till you wake up to his snoring burning into your headache. You reach for your blouse only to find buttons missing, and the shoulder ripped. You can’t walk home in this! I mean you can, but I’m mostly for being the covert slut, like, Yeah! I pulled something off last night.
For this I recommend the mini sewing kit. You can find them on Amazon for like three bucks, but I recommend going to your local Michael’s or Walmart, and getting that shit for a dollar. They come with everything you need and as long as you have the basic knowledge, or can just do a whip stitch as demoed here:
you should be fine. If I can do it, you can do it. TRUST.
I know, I know, when you’re getting ready to go out and it’s all dark out you’re thinking to yourself, “Why do I need sunglasses? I’m no Corey Hart!”. True, you are no 80’s one hit wonder, but in the morning when the the sun’s rays are raining down on you just as badly as the shame, you can shield your eyes, and your guilt!
This is perfect for those nights when you pass out after, or dude gets weird on you and asks you to stay over, and you do because of this overwhelming desire as a woman to never let anyone down at the expense of your own personal autonomy and/or safety. So when you wake up in the dark, or that dude finally falls asleep, and you can finally wriggle out from under his arm, you can covertly find your panties, your bra, and then the door!
Bonus: you get to feel like a spy tracking down national secrets while doing it.
Personally I have one of those marketing tool ones, you know the kind, the ones companies give out during your college’s job fair. The ones that say remember my name when you you hit the real world, and realize you need to find a real job. But this one:
seems to have really good ratings, plus you don’t need to hold down the button constantly.
I recommend this more than I would recommend carrying around a trial sized deodorant, or perfume, basically because when it comes down to it this takes care of it all. You just need to get out of that guy’s place smelling like you hadn’t been drinking for eight plus hours, and the booze isn’t seeping out of your skin along with all of your sweat, and the hours long, Nasty, Nasty sex you’ve hopefully been having. Let’s face it though, it was probably only worth one Nasty. Like in the way that it lasted five minutes, and you probably have semen somewhere on your person.
For this I recommend Amika Perk Up Dry Shampoo. Admittedly when I’m at home, and have total access to my beauty arsenal I would use Klorane, but in a pinch situation Amika is the obvious choice, as it smells amazing, and doesn’t spray out white (as not to dirty any more of those little black dresses), so you can spray it everywhere.
I love the things on this list because of their overall compactness, and it’s innocuousness nature. No, it’s not my whore pack, I just really like being prepared! Prepared for anything other than late night fucking I don’t know, but hey let them use their imaginations. Because hey, WE are not on trial here! Do you. Just be safe!
What are your fave go tos for covertly escaping your one night stands looking like a fresh flower?